Two stories about the turtle, the walrus and the
shark as they grasp at the origin of words.

Bill Rohrbach

This is story number 1...

Well I find your attitude quite disturbing. I am indeed a rabbit. In fact I eat carrots all day long. And each time I answer the phone I say, "What's up, doc?" This proves beyond a reasonable doubt that I am indeed a rabbit. But this lack of vision on your part is not what I find most disturbing about your letter. Of course I don't look inside. My dreams take care of that. In fact what you just read about that stinky, ugly beast, with the peculiar name of Pudd Jehobavitz, was in fact a dream sequence to explain my confusion. I never thought you called me loser - unless of course you are that smelly beast. But alas, I cannot figure this conundrum out (this last sentence has no use in this paragraph, except for the gratuitous use of the word conundrum - a nice word don't you think?) Now, if you are indeed that smelly beast then you did indeed call me a loser. Now I have no problem with that epithet - I am a loser in addition to being a rabbit. Such is my destiny in this dimension. The point of my letter was what the hell were you talking about. That is the conundrum of all conundrums. And if we hope to get out of the next conundrum then we must first solve this conundrum of conundrums. Oooooooooooh what a word!!!!! Who comes up with these words anyways. Personally I think it's a turtle and a walrus and a shark. They're sitting on some lounge chairs one day out on a sunny beach and they see a bunch of dolphins rolling across the sea. The turtle says, "Gee, what the hell do you call that?" The walrus, a rather dense fellow, replies, "Gee, I don't know." This matter of deciding what to call that has caused quite a conundrum. The shark, in stark terror, yells, "Why you've just created another word you bastard. Now I'm going to have to go eat all those dolphins to solve this conundrum." And thus was the word conundrum born by a turtle, walrus and shark. Now if I can be of any further assistance feel free to contact my secretary, the walrus.

This is story number 2

Another story about the turtle, the walrus and the shark...

It was a cool summer day in June when the shark returned from his feast of dolphins. He had always been an ugly fellow, but the blood spattered look he had now was unbearable. The walrus, upon seeing his bloodied visage, yelped, "Why, what have you done now, you incorrigible idiot!?!"

"Well, I ate quite a few dolphins - all because of you!" the shark replied. "If you had not uttered that evil word I would not have done these despicable things."

The turtle heard these angry words from the bedroom and came out to see what was happening. "What are you two arguing about now?" he asked.

"Well, it seems our dear friend, the shark, has been on a bloody rampage all because I uttered a new word..."

"Why you bastard," the shark cut in, "you are the source of all evil."

The turtle sighed.

The walrus laughed.

The shark spat upon the ground. "Now, I believe the only way that we can remedy this situation is if I create my own new word."

"Why that is ridiculous," The walrus said. "You are an idiot. How can we entrust the future of the English language to one such as you???"

"He does have a point, shark," the turtle added. "I believe the only way that we can ameliorate this situation is to find a few tuna and spend the night out on the town."

"Now I like that idea!" the shark cried. "Whatever happened to that tuna named Shirley - did she ever now how to turn my fin!"

Now, what you ask is the moral of this story...it is this...whenever you are faced with a dire situation where someone named Chunky says they like you, you just tell them that you are dating a tuna named Shirley.

Thank you for your time.