Two stories about the turtle, the walrus and the
shark as they grasp at the origin of words.
This is story number 1...
Well I find your attitude quite disturbing. I am indeed a rabbit. In
fact I eat carrots all day long. And each time I answer the phone I
say, "What's up, doc?" This proves beyond a reasonable doubt that I am
indeed a rabbit. But this lack of vision on your part is not what I
find most disturbing about your letter. Of course I don't look inside.
My dreams take care of that. In fact what you just read about that
stinky, ugly beast, with the peculiar name of Pudd Jehobavitz, was in
fact a dream sequence to explain my confusion. I never thought you
called me loser - unless of course you are that smelly beast. But alas,
I cannot figure this conundrum out (this last sentence has no use in
this paragraph, except for the gratuitous use of the word conundrum - a
nice word don't you think?) Now, if you are indeed that smelly beast
then you did indeed call me a loser. Now I have no problem with that
epithet - I am a loser in addition to being a rabbit. Such is my destiny
in this dimension. The point of my letter was what the hell were you
talking about. That is the conundrum of all conundrums. And if we hope
to get out of the next conundrum then we must first solve this conundrum
of conundrums. Oooooooooooh what a word!!!!! Who comes up with these
words anyways. Personally I think it's a turtle and a walrus and a
shark. They're sitting on some lounge chairs one day out on a sunny
beach and they see a bunch of dolphins rolling across the sea. The
turtle says, "Gee, what the hell do you call that?" The walrus, a rather
dense fellow, replies, "Gee, I don't know." This matter of deciding what
to call that has caused quite a conundrum. The shark, in stark terror,
yells, "Why you've just created another word you bastard. Now I'm going
to have to go eat all those dolphins to solve this conundrum." And thus
was the word conundrum born by a turtle, walrus and shark. Now if I can
be of any further assistance feel free to contact my secretary, the
This is story number 2
Another story about the turtle, the walrus and the shark...
It was a cool summer day in June when the shark returned from his feast
of dolphins. He had always been an ugly fellow, but the blood spattered
look he had now was unbearable. The walrus, upon seeing his bloodied
visage, yelped, "Why, what have you done now, you incorrigible
"Well, I ate quite a few dolphins - all because of you!" the shark
replied. "If you had not uttered that evil word I would not have done
these despicable things."
The turtle heard these angry words from the bedroom and came out to see
what was happening. "What are you two arguing about now?" he asked.
"Well, it seems our dear friend, the shark, has been on a bloody rampage
all because I uttered a new word..."
"Why you bastard," the shark cut in, "you are the source of all
The turtle sighed.
The walrus laughed.
The shark spat upon the ground. "Now, I believe the only way that we can
remedy this situation is if I create my own new word."
"Why that is ridiculous," The walrus said. "You are an idiot. How can we
entrust the future of the English language to one such as you???"
"He does have a point, shark," the turtle added. "I believe the only way
that we can ameliorate this situation is to find a few tuna and spend
the night out on the town."
"Now I like that idea!" the shark cried. "Whatever happened to that tuna
named Shirley - did she ever now how to turn my fin!"
Now, what you ask is the moral of this story...it is this...whenever you
are faced with a dire situation where someone named Chunky says they
like you, you just tell them that you are dating a tuna named
Thank you for your time.