Home Table of Contents Past Issues Biographies of Contributors General Information Comments
 
 


Michael Cronis and the Amazing Technicolor Renegade Eighteen Wheeler - Christa St. Peter

Amos Cronis spawned seven sons named Ishmael, Abraham, Rocky, Esau, Judas, Jocko, and Michael. Ross, the brother of Amos, was struck dead by the vicious capybara of Canaan. By law, a man must take his dead brother's wife as his own and multiply. When Amos laid with his dead brother's wife, he let his semen spill onto the ground. And there, from the earth, sprang the Judges - Reinhold and Ito. They struck Amos dead. But before that, Amos was a good provider for his sons, his favorite being Michael.

Amos was a shepherd; all his sons were shepherds also. Amos wanted more for his dear Michael. He gave to his son an eighteen wheeled truck of many colors. Michael's brothers were jealous. One evening, after bringing in the flock, the seven brothers went for a ride in the truck of many colors. When they stopped for fuel, they sold Michael to a band of Japanese businessmen. Then the brothers killed a goat and smattered its blood all over the truck of many colors. They returned home and told their father that there had been a terrible accident. They presented the truck of many colors as evidence. Amos was grief-stricken. His beloved son was no more. Or so he thought.....

Michael was then sold to an Egyptian bathhouse where he was enslaved. One morning, Pharaoh procured Michael for a bath. While Michael was washing his feet, Pharaoh told Michael about a dream that haunted him:

"I dreamt about a concubine with an ample chest who smoked seven cigars while dancing for me. Then I removed her frock and was horrified to see that her breasts were small and withered. Then she burst into flames and suddenly I was addressing my people when I realized I was NAKED! What does this mean?"

"Ahhh," said Michael, "There will be an abundance of fuel for the next seven years. Then for seven years afterward there will be an extreme fuel shortage. And you are very insecure."

Pharaoh trusted the buff young slave, and went home and ordered that for the next seven years, all of Egypt's fuel be strictly rationed in the interest of conservation. And so it was - for seven years, although there was quite an abundance of fuel, it was saved and stored. Then came a time when there was fuel no more, so people from all over had to travel to Egypt to receive a fuel ration. By this time, Michael was the head of the Pharaoh's household.

Back in Canaan, Michael's father and brothers were preparing for a trip to Egypt themselves to receive the deeply needed fuel. Amos was old now, and could barely negotiate the gear shift in his badly missed son's eighteen-wheeler. They drove for forty days through the desert - then they saw Michael, perched majestically atop a petrol pump, and they bowed down before him. He filled the truck of many colors with fuel, then he and his father killed his six brothers and smattered their blood all over the truck of many colors. Then they drove to their homeland, but not before stopping at Stuckey's in Nazareth for a stack of buttermilk pancakes.